-some line from a song you don't know-

show me what you got

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:33:50 GMT

hey it's me. i haven't been to sleep. it's this damn thinking thing. can't be stopped as fast as the breathing can.
wristband hiding real skin results of depression. now it's just the organs i'm messing with.

seeing all the different sides of you..

what makes you so special?

hemis6904@netscape.net — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 09:55:51 GMT

damn i'm such a fucking wreck lately. i've just been looking forward to after my 21st lately.
best attempts at driving away the thought of you and a few more of you. less succeeding.

i'm on a new tolerance and in a new way as of permanently changed. rearranged the sane.

(jealous)
i'm gonna do it. fuck it's always the last words i say.

if you think you can help let's see you help me.

i'm coming outta my cage and i've been doing just fine. gotta, gotta be down because i want it all.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 09:14:00 GMT

driving through the steam of the sewers in the cold months.
i recompose as you go on and on with the jokes.
oh my god- i didn't abbrev.

"the secret of my succe$s"

hemis6904@netscape.net — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:44:25 GMT

must write. must be ok with just listening.
not even complete thoughts.
going no where fast or just reliving the same day over? today it's a little of both.

i never would've believed this was gonna be me. now i can't wait to see what the future brings. big plans lead to at least you tried than. yeah and wasted my time with it. since my days are worth how many hours of daylight i actually see.

must be the ganja

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:57:24 GMT

not much to say but let's just see about that. sometimes i think i trick myself into being happier than i really am. em's cd is almost completely in my head. i don't know what to do so i just get myself into a better state of mind. it's a nice day out. deep breath.

rest forever here in our hearts

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 09:21:38 GMT

it's like you can hurt me without even trying.
just living.
been acting like a kid lately. going to the playground of my old elementary school, eating ice cream and watching spongebob.
slacking off is my lifestyle. really lame when you're finding yourself stuck in it for who knows when, though?

the stories in my head could never compare. this is awful. i only wanted to watch.
this next deep breath is going to kill me. too dramatic indeed.

i want to murder someone to this song.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 06:57:32 GMT

real things that happened to me recently:
the kind of guy who uses a basket instead of a shopping cart.
another is sipping his latte in public discussing politics too loudly.
my sandals are out to trip me.
we're at war!
"i don't care who the fuck you are, somebody has to clean your toilet."
two decades old.
i think i've been on repeat the last few weeks.

now all i need is a title

hemis6904@netscape.net — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:00:13 GMT

new threads are traveling to me by mail this week.
i don't make sense to me. i've been trying to live a simple life.
shouldn't have done that. or was it should have done that?
my hair is getting ridiculous. but it's gonna be enough for someone. don't forget that stupid!
soon i'll be falling asleep with music playing instead of tv. but it's still gonna be on, the tv. best night light for grown ups.

killing is never too drastic

hemis6904@netscape.net — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:03:46 GMT

these are beautiful. i'll take 'em.
i'm glad the weekend's over. now i can sink back into my hole. away from all you people. here's something to consider: don't go see any movie on an opening weekend. you should be able to last one more fucking week. believe me, hollywood has stopped making classics.
i'm just adding to the dullness.
as i drove by the light turned off. stop taking cheap shots. i guess two people can hurt at once. i said i'm sorry but you have yet to apologize.

i shine in heaven

hemis6904@netscape.net — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 07:35:34 GMT

so random but still mostly there. truly lost in thought.
my finger got cut at work and it looks like a bite mark from only the top row of teeth. i guess it kinda matches the scar on my other hand only turned upside down.
we all got some kind of frown to wear. i'm covered with stories.
just been digging the vibe lately.
"yeah i know what you're saying."

I Breathe Fire

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:28:32 GMT

sitting in the dark with music the last few nights.
forgetting what day it is.
consuming more then i should.
i wrote a letter to a friend. still need to be sent.
i'm seriously considering shaving my head this summer. if it gets hot enough, cuz i'm sure it will. i wanna cut it off like the girl from empire records did except i'd like to see what i'd look like with a mohawk first. then i could try kurt cobain-length hair to hide behind when it grows. i just wanna do something drastic and unexpected to make life a little more exciting then getting a good deal on gasoline. i want to be really outgoing with other people and stop being so afraid of them.
i've noticed that i really get into whatever type of 'media' that have to do with working at my jobs. like when i had my newspaper route i couldn't start delivering till i at least glanced over the headlines and pictures of the whole front page. i always knew what tragedy had happened and what the weather was gonna be like and of course, what day it was. at the movie theater i know what movies are really busy and which ones are the ones people should really be seeing.
but i don't know, maybe that happens with everything? i just noticed.

i will never believe in anything again.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 07:02:58 GMT

facing the top of a flight of stairs close your eyes, lean over to grab your ankles and count to ten. then stand up straight and try not to fall. a wicked intense head rush is fun along with gravity and a man made painful drop.
these are the last i'm gonna get till i never know exactly when. i'll smash my own hopes down. it's all around me but it's always so hard to find.
to canada then amsterdam then apartment then house somewhere that's mildly cold most of the time.
i want to be buried in a hoodie.

you're the subject

hemis6904@netscape.net — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 08:45:40 GMT

i'm dead. maybe i should go take my medicine.
it's not the kind i want though.

lately, i'm going crazy.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 06:32:29 GMT

even when we're with people we're with other people. texting or talking on their phones. or never caught dead without one. a hands length away, just in case.
well, what if i want to stay like this?
always one tiny computer in front of every human being. when the magnetic field shifts we're all gonna turn into robots.
beep.

it's hard to tell when you've taken enough

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 08:21:50 GMT

two sets of clothes. pjs and work clothes. nothing else to live for.
now always five minutes away from losing my job.
in january i lose my health coverage.
with less smoke comes more drink. i miss it being even.
i don't live up to the love you give.

it's getting colder. everything dies in october.

surviving is my best revenge.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 05:39:56 GMT

of course, it's a sunday night. everyone gets pulled to the screen.
including me.
probably doing homework, i suppose. i still miss high school.

this whole thing is taking too long....

you're joking, right?

hemis6904@netscape.net — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:26:36 GMT

ok, this page is newer. yes, it's true, i've decided to update.
nothing to say. watch.

my mind has been real mixed up the last few weeks. within that time i'm sure i'm not going to college this semester. other than that (same old crap).
i blew one hundred and fifty bucks today. i thought it'd look better as words but i was wrong.

..i hope you're listening to music right now..

this room is always spinning

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 07:29:44 GMT

ring around the glass that was left after the chat around the table that only the exclusive get asked to attend at.
what am i really thinking? who are you trying to kid this weekend?
i don't bother to breathe in my dreams since i know i can't scream in my sleep.
you haven't stopped me from seeing the thief's in their weekdays of real reasoning.
please see the apology in this speech that i leave.
there's nothing left for me too not say if you'd always keep-
which direction am i now facing? though, it feels like the other position i was just sitting in..
..what am i saying when i'm praying for one of god's miracles than?

i'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:39:17 GMT

oh god, it's been too long. hasn't it? the last avalanche only scared the little kids.
no, i don't know what i was really doing..

just being depressed in this messed up life of excess. wondering what's left? i've seemed to see everything.
been taking walks in some woods and finally got caught by the rain today. other than that, school can wait.
still spending money faster than i make it. still trying to find real friends in the drunken places i find myself in.

what's the meaning of everything? shit just seems like a waste of breath to someone who could really do something great.

just let me lay here a minute. i'm about to pass out from the amount of drug consumption.

praying for you to fall

hemis6904@netscape.net — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 08:28:25 GMT

i keep losing track of the days lately. it's crazy to wake up thinking it was still yesterday.
been saving all my money just to use it to make the music sound better. if you know what i mean of course..
i've come along way in the last few days.
connections get infectious so i move to the next ones that can get some.
i don't wanna make it sound like thats all its been but it has. tell me everythings bad.

saturday there's a big party at my house and you're all invited.
ps it won't start getting fun till the darkness of night can cover up our sins.

cocaine

hemis6904@netscape.net — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 04:45:11 GMT

excuse me for living. been busy but not really.
writing, reading and remembering people i find around me.

i kept trying to keep my head down at the burial of him.
i just couldn't bare to see the tears of all the strangers here.
got me all choked up. now i feel so dumb since it was my own choice to come.
oh well, it's over now and no one cares about the kid standing away from all of it.

..in deep thought and in the basement until further coldness.

the best days of my life

hemis6904@netscape.net — Wed, 07 May 2008 07:59:58 GMT

..but i don't know any better than this.....

i just wanna make memories in the first place.

this is the last time we'll be friends again

hemis6904@netscape.net — Sat, 03 May 2008 06:40:24 GMT

not much going on tonight, for me anyways.
tomorrow night there should be a big ol' bonfire in my backyard again. i want you to come even though you haven't returned any of my messages except for that one night. you remind me of good memories when we were all younger. what can i say? i fucking miss you and i'm not afraid to go first this time--

the confidence is at war with the why bother.

right now i'm just too routine to try new things. you don't know how deep my thoughts can fall.

representatives really don't represent any of us.
i guess we like the prices up.
it'd be nice, to not have to choose between gasoline and food.
polictics shouldn't allow these crooked dicks to be elected and break promises just to get more rich.

we're all too small to talk to god

hemis6904@netscape.net — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 04:55:44 GMT

well i puked at work today after i saw and smelled some mice poop. i feel like mice poop now. but i did however get my deluxe panic at the disco cd a few days ago and i love it. it kinda reminds me of brian wilson's smile cd. i won't be moving out anytime soon like i was planning cuz i'm not gonna leave my doggy behind. saturday night was really fun and i'm kinda proud of how i've learned to really pace myself. i'm getting better at doing 'just whatever.'
i've been writing you my life's novel in notebooks in the most clever ways.
that's all i seem to be good at these days.

..somewhere where there's no such thing as a heavy wind and everyone's hair looks so fabulous.

living in my dreams is my own nemesis

hemis6904@netscape.net — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:34:28 GMT

so last night in some kind of induced stupor someone called me smart for the second time. they mentioned something about how not at first i don't seem like it but you just have to really listen to fully comprehend. right before that though i said something funny and made her spit out her drink on the fridge and laugh. so yea it was a good night and morning.
sometimes when things are going too perfect all i feel like doing is hiding out in my room with my dog and just waiting for something big to go wrong. just to remind me that i shouldn't be this happy for this long.
hopefully by the start of summer i'll have moved into an apartment with a friend from work. then i'll fuck school, get another job and take up doing drugs all the time. oh yea and for anyone who knows where i work we have mice there and i saw two of them running around behind the counter. i almost crapped my pants the first time i saw one of them a few days ago.
keeping this interesting..

just try to make the news by doing any fucking good for this town.
i delivered the bad news for five years longer then i should have.
i still got it and still want it as new.
sniffing glue will hold you together.
at least long enough to impress the judges.