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i try to picture me without you but i can't. [Tue, December 2nd, 2014 - 2:32am]
oh this should be good, considering how all that should've changed but simply couldn't. still mixing drinks with low self esteem. new endeavors meets new failures every week. kissing the back of my hand constantly so my lips know the feeling. love struck and pathetic is my means of living. cast me out to break the spell. if living's this bad than what is hell?
so think fast

nobody said it was easy [Sat, April 26th, 2014 - 12:33am]
i'm trying not to be investing this cheap. and turning this cheek away from feelings that are too weak. but hey, i'm hardly losing what i've barely gained. what with living this life outside of electronic frames. but that's when hearts get walked over and you're left with shit for brains. and maybe this is the moment that kick starts the insane. seriously, just one shitty day away from a three day hospital stay. but just what am i gonna think about when i join the clouds on sunny filled rainy days? maybe you'll cross my mind when i'm not so desperate. and maybe i'll draw crosses on my eyelids before my time is spent. most of which has been watching television. this life makes me ambivalent. not wanting to stop but shit, when will this end? get the birth certificate and measurements for the casket. epitaph vs first words said. there's no pleasure even left for the children who inherit the grief. oh little one, this is just how life always does so do what you want, especially if you can.
so think fast

give me your best shot. [Tue, February 11th, 2014 - 12:29pm]
you know how your knuckles bleed in the winter? or how you think deep with the lights down? and turn the volume up when you're the only one listening. get that movie stuck in your head like a stake. think of conversations both real and make believe. that one love that just wouldn't shut up and settle for me. the shaking to keep from the cold freeze. the false confidence that tricks you to believe. this is an everyday thing. i'm not the monster, i'm just what you're imagining.
here's the thing. it's just me alone at night, looking for the end. young love is a bullshit fight. i'd much rather play pretend.
so think fast

ahem. [Wed, January 29th, 2014 - 4:01am]
take your coat off. imaginary throat hug scarf. shoes, bag, keys sang when thrown on the counter top drag. i do with mine what you do with your things. follow you around the room, looking for my comfort zone blues. i'm the last to take a seat, between you and the door to leave. this new place feels old to me. just trying to act as comfortable as you seem to be. head down, i'm not the center of this gathering. don't mind, would rather just sit listening. the nice to meet you's so fakely proceed. since you don't know who the hell you're meeting. friendly faces coming out for first time strangers. "if you brought them, there must be something you saw in them." maybe i'll see it too if i get drunk than.
so think fast

a lonely liver suspended in liquid. [Sun, December 22nd, 2013 - 3:35am]
it's funny how i laugh at pain. get dry eyed when i should close the lids. thrive off insane and the footsteps from the above floor laid. this is me - concentrate and wide eyed, looking to escape. i love all your heart break. let it all fall like rain. after all we're all human if only you can -
match my wits with your schemes - baby i only know what you mean, when you're pissed off. show me your pistol, i could use a dance and sing - alone but only if, you're reading this fast enough.
so think fast

if columbus was wrong i'd drive straight off the edge. [Fri, December 20th, 2013 - 2:06am]
i still think i want to die. this life is such bullshit most of the time. and it's not just one or two things, it's almost everything now. the only point was the end of this pen and even that's run dry. it's really just the coldness that keeps me feeling alive. god (don't) help me. i don't deserve a try.
so think fast

you just keep me hanging on. [Thu, December 5th, 2013 - 1:40am]
you know what i love? fucking hating love. oh my god, just leave me alone - i'm done. these are brain washing experiments - far from real feelings. which i am unable to heal with. no more songs, movies or situations. clear this mind like eternal sunshine. no more short lived fun to just crumble to dust when the other person's moved on. don't think i'm right? just prove me wrong. might as well play the lotto with chances a million to one. nothing more worthless than me trying to be with another person.

i'd rather be next to a tree trunk when thunder struck and gain the ability to not give a fuck.
so think fast

how could it be any other way? [Mon, December 2nd, 2013 - 2:49am]
fucking shit. delete what was written.

now that i'm blank i can say anything. if the loathing doesn't make me cave in. mind wiped clean. hardly a use in trying. now i'm picking on myself. this was gonna go a different way but oh well. everything happens for a grievance. just sick of the real reason losing its meaning. i don't know nor need sleep. these songs bring up old memories. they don't belong to me. i'm just a host of the nostalgia ghost - hopeful melodies. my heart only aches when i breathe. but that's just from all the built up love songs and bullshit romantic movie happy endings. i don't - yet do believe. i won't - be the fool after three. but just who am i kidding? way past desperation. or all i've only known. this toll is taking my money for all it's worth in blood spilled and broken bones. if you could only know. i would pass on this pain like a school note.
there's still some songs i won't tell you..
so think fast

you know [Wed, November 20th, 2013 - 11:51pm]
[ mood | mood? what mood? ]

split screen this shit. like my used up heart. i could care less but i'm such a hopeful mess. you were the last bitch, this is it. i've gotten sick from this last time lesson. i'd rather die unhappy and pathetic. em taught me how to deal with rejection. truck, rope and duct tape fun so- how would you know? what i'm capable of? i'm secretly a crazy person that you pissed off. revenge is for rookies since i'm looking for you to never see her again. you did this- you caused your own death. i was just the regret you've felt since you first said hey.

so think fast

my hurricane, breaking my heart once again </3 [Wed, August 21st, 2013 - 12:43pm]
god, this is why i don't care much for love.

i give everything i have to make it work and it just doesn't matter in the end. oh for three and counting in this love "life." sure the first was just a high school thing and the second ended up being the first real best friend i ever had but this last one? i can't even think of you without dragging my eyes to the ground. where they mostly live but i always brought them out to sneak glances at your beauty. now engraved on the presents i'd have yet to give.
there will always be you. there is only you.
so think fast

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